Remembrance – A void hard to fill !!
“ the more you love a memory the stronger and stranger it becomes.”
So almost at the door of a new life haa!!……can’t help still having that feeling of a little you fighting with me taking on me with bare solid hands and strong legs. If I have failed in anything in my life it is showing my feelings to you. I fondly remember the day when mother had asked me to choose between a sis and a bro and I with folded hands stood before God begging him for a sister. This went on for a few months, if not anything multiple times a day I would pray to God and all this time actually believing that this is how god decides on whether to churn out brothers or sisters before actually dispatching the product. :0 Anyways whatever be the criteria of deciding on sexes, God ultimately sent a 4kg parcel to us. A parcel that came with a “handle with care” tag.
Early in the day we used to fight and disagree on every single thing and father taking your side, I was left licking my wounds. You had little interest in your big brother which I vaguely found insulting so I cruised along acting like a fool not knowing how this hate for U will 1 day change to a most pure form of love.
I remember and long for the times when you used to ask father to take us to DUSSEHRA MELA or whenever I wanted anything from father I used to ask you to convince or if it mattered threaten him with a ransom to get that work done with ransom being a kiss on HIS cheek. I have memories of you crying to sit on the merry go round in the FETE and me and mother always knew that father although relentive at frst would ultimately give in to your demands. Seeing your happy face was everything that mattered. Everytime you do anything wrong he would always forgive you with his trademark line ” nhi wo chotti hai“(No she is young) and ultimately I would end up facing the brunt J.
Memory of you bringing the friendship band for me when I had actually told you to bring it for yourselves but instead the band brought carefully and so lovingly chosen by you out of all the other ones, Iused it for my own selfish purpose to give it to a friend, the remorse is still strong and piercing.
I remember the old school times when I would collect the birthday sweets distributed by classmates in my backpack’s side-pocket and you would ask me for them, I would sulkily give one out of those to you, I was stingy then and I am stingy now(some habits become a part of your personality….see friends I can’t help it, comes embedded in me :P). Loving you has changed me to such an extent that whenever I get any chocolate these days I have a habit of stocking it for months until one day when they are found in an unused corner of the cupboard and ultimately end up in the dustbin owing to the already exceeded expiry date , well they say old habits die hard so far so true.
Suddenly, in the midst of all this something was running out, time it was. It’s in the human core, when thoughts become hazy and vision of old times starts blurring , the feeling of longing is persistent. I miss being a lost brother, a failed friend and a your own joker. Remember the “chor bazaari step” .How badly I used to imitate Saif Ali Khan and you would laugh your heart out, well that laugh brings a smile on my face.
They say “It takes a huge effort to free yourself from memory”. I say memories are what make up an integral part of our inner self ,it is something that you can’t get away from and either bad or very bad or no matter how much sad I don’t even want to get away from the memories of you that makes the deapth of my my heart wimpish. No matter how taller smarter or fatter( yes, you are fat till now , truth its is) you get you can’t mature in my eyes don’t know why but this is how it is.
Today, you are on the verge of making choices, choices that will define who you will be, choices that will either take you to the pinnacle or all the way down to the bins, so choose wisely and ultimately some day I will realize that “Shubhi has grown up”. 😦
“Remembrance restores possibility to the past, making what happened incomplete and completing what never was. Remembrance is neither what happened nor what did not happen but, rather, the potential of their becoming possible once again.”